How to Write a Letter to Your Birth Child
Communication with your birth child can be an emotional and raw subject for many birth mothers. No matter the type of communication you’ve agreed to, putting your thoughts or feelings into a conversation, email or letter puts you in a place of vulnerability. Being open with your birth child, though, is one of the best things you can do for your relationship with them.
Feeling unsure about how to write a letter to your birth child is common especially if it’s the first one. But you are not alone. Adoption Choices of New York is here to help. Remember, the point of the letter is communicating, so include what you feel is important for your child to know or what you would like them to know about you.
What to Say in the Letter
At the end of the day, you are in full control of what you want to include in your letter. Communication with your birth child itself is an act that takes courage and immeasurable strength, so don’t stress too much about making your letter ‘perfect’. There’s no such thing. What’s important is that you are completely comfortable with what you’re writing to your birth child.
Do you want your letter to be more expressional of how you feel about your birth child? Or, do you want it to be more informative so your birth child can get to know you? A combination of both? There are a myriad of things that the letter you write to your birth child can include. Sometimes it’s helpful to just free write as a draft if you’re not confident in your expressional writing skills. Letting your emotions freely flow through to paper is a great way to visually see what you’re feeling when you think about writing a letter to your birth child. From there, you can take pieces out, rework things and get ideas of what you are and aren’t comfortable with sharing.
Family History and Information
Many birth mothers include a picture of themselves along with information. Family history, fun stories and pictures of their extended family can be included as well. Many adoptees want to know about their birth mother and family. Including tidbits of details, like pictures or names, is a fun and positive way to have your birth child start to learn about you and your history. You don’t need to give a full in depth lecture on your family’s roots, just the important parts you want your child to know. If you have a close relationship with a family member, or they meant something special in your life, you can share that with your birth child too!
Write Down Your Feelings
Vulnerability can be frightening. Displaying your thoughts and emotions for the world to see or judge can put a lot of people on edge, but a key feature to keeping a positive outlook on your relationship with you and your birth child is honesty. Letting your birth child know why you made the selfless decision to put them up for adoption lays a foundation of trust between the two of you. Not only can this create a strong bond for you and your birth child, it will also help you express the feelings you may have been holding in this whole time.
Writing a letter to your birth child can be a cathartic experience for you and a beneficial connective experience for him or her. If you feel that there’s something specific you’d like to share, but are unsure if it’s the right time, you can ask the adoptive parents to hold the letter until they feel your birth child is old enough to read it.
Tell Your Birth Child about Their Adoption Journey
When you write a letter to your birth child, you’re opening up an opportunity to express the feelings you have for them and the life you envisioned for them. What you dream for their life to be: full of happiness and love. Adventure and creativity. All the things you pictured for them when you were choosing the adoptive parents can be laid out on paper. The thought, care and love that went into choosing the right family is an important aspect to adoption. Expressing this to your birth child will help them understand just how important they are to you, and how important choosing the right adoptive family was in order for them to live a fulfilling, happy life.
Keep Your Letter Positive
One important rule when you write a letter to your birth child is to keep it positive. You want them to be proud of their adoption. Don’t speak negatively about adoption or about their birth father, if the situation fits. Remember, you do not owe your birth child an apology. You did what was best for him or her, and gave them an opportunity to have a life you could not provide. There is nothing shameful about that, and they should not feel their adoption warrants an apology. Adoption is the choice to bring life into this world and the selfless act of allowing your birth child to live the best life possible.
Open Up to Your Birth Child
If there are experiences you feel will help your child understand you better write it down. Not only does this allow your birth child to get to know you on a deeper level, it’ll also give you both a sense of true connection. Speaking honestly about who you are and your life is one of the deepest topics of a conversation a person can have. Connecting on a true level of understanding and love is the most important part of communicating with your birth child. Speak from your heart. Allow them to truly know you, and the woman they come from.
How to Write a Letter to Your Birth Child
Whether you’re planning on continuing an open line of communication with your birth child or not, writing a letter to them is a wonderful sentiment of love that they can cherish. Your birth child will have a piece of you with them, and something they can read back on when they’re older and want to get to know you better. Words are impactful and convey feelings just as strongly as spoken word. Keep your letter honest, positive and a portrayal of what you want your birth child to feel when they think of you.
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