Dating After Adoption and How to Talk about Adoption
By Kaitlyn Chrisemer
If you experienced an unplanned pregnancy and chose adoption, your future may be unclear. After the initial return to “normal” life after adoption finalization, you may want more from life. It can be difficult when you begin dating again after you’ve placed a baby for adoption. You may not be sure if you should bring it up or how/when to talk about it, which may be painful.
Talking about adoption and explaining yourself to new people in your life can be difficult. It’s like another process after you’ve been through your adoption process. Dating and putting yourself back out there in an intimate way can be difficult. Explaining how you adopted out a baby in the past can make the experience so much harder. We at Adoption Choices of New York want to offer some advice and help wherever we can. Here are some tips for telling your partners about your previous adoption journey.
Telling New Partners About Your Adoption
You might wonder if you even need to tell prospective new partners about your adoption. There’s no straight answer here. It can be subjective, and it’s all up to you and your individual judgment. Telling new people in your life about your experience putting a baby up for adoption can be nerve-racking. You may be afraid of what they’ll think and worry it will change how they think of you. It can also feel exhausting to tell multiple new people about your situation one after another.
Generally, if you really see a future with this person, you should probably tell them. If you want to be close to them for a long time, maybe forever, you shouldn’t keep this from them. Plus, depending on what type of adoption you choose, it may be difficult to hide. If you had an open adoption and still visited the child, it could be especially hard to keep it a secret. When your new partner does find out about your adoption, they may be hurt if you didn’t tell them sooner. Regardless of what kind of adoption it was, if you see real potential with this person, you should tell them.
On the other hand, if you don’t think the relationship will go anywhere, there’s really no need to tell them. Sometimes when people re-enter the dating world, they want to start off light and casual. This is totally okay. Maybe you’re just dipping your toes back in the dating pool and starting off with a few casual dates. In this case, you probably don’t have to tell your dates about your adoption – unless you want to.
Explaining Why You Chose Adoption
If you are going to tell your new partner about your adoption, explaining the process is important. You shouldn’t feel like you have to explain and justify your life choices to them, but they might not understand. Upon first being told about your adoption, they may have preconceived notions about adoption in general. These could be negative prejudices they want to unravel so they can understand your situation.
You can tell them about your adoption plan and explain that your decision was made out of love. Also, be conscious of your wording. Don’t be flippant and simply say, “I gave up my baby.” Use your words carefully and elaborate on why you chose adoption for your child. It can be hard for some people to imagine placing their child up for adoption, and this can cause judgment. However, until someone is in your situation, remember that they can’t truly judge your actions.
No one can say you made the wrong decision without being placed in your shoes. Explaining your situation and perspective can help your new partner understand your situation. If you need help with deciding how to tell your new partner, reach out to our NYC adoption agencies. We can offer advice and connect you with counselors or support groups to help as well.
What Their Reaction About Your Choice for Adoption Means
Their reaction may be the part you fear the most in this situation. If they understand and tell you they respect your decision, that’s great. We hope the conversation goes smoothly and your partner is understanding of your choices. This shows that they respect you and understand you made the best choice for you and the child.
However, the more feared reaction is rejection and harsh criticism. If they react poorly to news of your adoption, you may want to reconsider their position in your life. You want someone who will stand beside you and support your decisions. If this person can’t show you support for a decision you made in the past, what about future decisions?
We hope that your new partner will understand it was the best decision for you and the child and understand. Their support in this situation can help predict their support in the future as well. A person who judges you for doing what is best for you is likely not someone you want in your life.
Moving Forward After the Post-Adoption Conversation
We at Adoption Choices of New York hope that you can move on after this conversation. Whether that’s with a supportive partner or without a discouraging one, we hope you can move forward with your life. Our adoption agencies in Albany, NYC, Buffalo, and Rocester want what’s best for you, even after your adoption is finalized. From considering adoption to making an adoption plan to support after adoption, we can help! If you ever need help with an adoption-related matter, don’t hesitate to reach out. We are still here for you!
Adoption Choices of New York is available to assist with your adoption plan. Call us, text us, email us; we are here for you!
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